I’ll be there. You’ll be there. The glitter-caked hopes of a generation will be there. A drag queen with a “Half-Breed” outfit will be there. But most of all, utter skepticism will be there. I’m talking about tonight’s midnight Burlesque premiere, which will raise the stakes on burlesque-themed cinema for weeks to come. To prepare ourselves for the gala at hand, let’s line up the 21 biggest questions that need to be answered by tomorrow morning — when the magic, rouge, and absinthe have faded.
1.) Will Christina be going for Dreamgirls Oscar angst? If so, will her Razzie nomination ruin her?
2.) Is this movie “drag” fabulous, “camp” fabulous, or “ghetto” fabulous? Or regular “ghetto”?
3.) Is there a song in the movie that does not feature the word “burlesque”?
4.) How much of director Steve Antin’s sister Robin, the Pussycat Doll organizer/wrangler, will sneak into my good time?
5.) Does Burlesque star Cher, Christina Aguilera, and Stanley Tucci? Or does it star Meryl Streep as Cher, Christina Aguilera, and Stanley Tucci?
6.) How many times will Cam Gigandet refer to Christina Aguilera’s Iowa-born character as “Iowa”?
7.) Does Burlesque understand that any semblance of a real plot will be insulting to me?
8.) Will Stanley Tucci “out-Cher” Cher?
9.) Is Kristen Bell cleared for working it?
10.) Is it only right if I arrive in a hazmat suit (a la Silkwood) and cry “Karen got cooked!” every time Cher acts a little radioactive?
11.) Does director Steve Antin know that it is often time for Christina to stop talking?
12.) Will Alan Cumming, who plays “the gender-bending host,” ever actually say the word “cabaret”? If he does, can I crawl under my seat, through a hatch, and out of the theater?
13.) Are Cher’s magician jacket and leotard proportionate?
14.) Is this movie going to pretend to understand Los Angeles, in that whimsy-tinged (500) Days of Summer way? Come now.
15.) Will Burlesque patronize us with heterosexuality?
16.) How often are audience members allowed to stand up and politely state, “I am having a great time.”
17.) Which actors will succumb to Cher’s influence and adopt her glamorous Yogi Bear patois when speaking to her?
18.) How will this movie affect the white community?
19.) I will be 40% drunk for this showing. Common sense indicates I should aim for 300%. Am I forgetting to live my best life now?
20.) Can this movie end any other way than with Cher breaking a fountain over Christina’s face — before they both trip and fall into another, larger fountain? On a stage? Inside another fountain?
21.) Can we just call it Masque?
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